Feb. 13th, 2017
Life gives you ups and downs. I should have known how happy my day/week was going, that I would spend the evening crying alone in this very small, empty, lonely apartment. I hate this feeling to the point I long for Kentucky with a passion. Giving all my weakness to my mother in her arms. Family is very powerful and at this particular moment. I wish I were there. Not here. Not here at all.
Mar. 29th, 2016
Feb. 8th, 2015
06:31 am - Seattle
Still here in Seattle. Loving my Seattle life. Not as much my personal life. Too screwy and i'm not sure what I should do with it. The city is the only thing keeping me sane. I love it here.
06:28 am - Post Secret Article.
I hope this email finds you well.
Of all the “scandalous” secrets I had been dying to share with the world, you published my most shameful one yet in your new book. I had a day to myself and was planning on spending it at a bookstore with a latte, combing the pages of your new book, like I always do when a new one is published. However, this time was a little different. Carefully looking through each secret, smirking at some, eyes-widening at others, I let out a loud, albeit dramatic, gasp when I spied my own. I stared down at the page, in shock, trying to convince myself that maybe it wasn’t my hand writing. I hardly even remembered sending it. But I knew.
In November of 2012, the guy I had been dating for 4 years asked me to marry him. I was a mess of a person at this time. I didn’t know what or who I wanted (there was, and had always been, “someone else,”), what I wanted to do with my life, etc, but it was the next logical step and we were on a cruise ship. If I had said no, there was no where to go for a whole week. Besides, this guy was great and I did love him, I just didn’t know if he was *THE ONE*. So, I sorta thought, “oh, what the hell.” How romantic! I shudder now even just telling you honestly about my thought pattern as it happened. Flash forward to six months later and we are full-blown wedding planning…and I was full-blown panicking. Not to pat myself on the back, but I knew he didn’t have a single doubt in the world about me, and I love him for that, but it made it hard on me because I had TONS! Not about HIM, but the idea of him. The whole one-penis-forever thing, closing the door on past loves, closing the door on future loves! The idea of what if there is someone even better for me. That’s what caused me to send in my secret, the one you recently, and finally published, that said: (on a post card from the Bahamas) We were on our way here when he asked me to marry him. I gave him the wrong answer.”
We have been married now for seven months. And while it’s certainly not easy, I can now honestly tell you that “yes” WAS the right answer. I can sometimes be a self-destructive, selfish, and like I said before, secretive person. But Frank, if I make nothing but bad choices for the rest of my life, I will die knowing I made a great one when I agreed to marry my husband. He is thoughtful and sweet and caring and everything I always thought I never deserved. I am still struggling with that, especially knowing that I told the world, via my secret, that i didn’t want to marry him. But I did it anyway, and I’m so glad. I know I have a lot to learn, and a lot to make up for, but I wanted to set the record straight. After many attempts at trying to share my secrets with the world, and perhaps (almost desperately) with the people they were about, you published the most important; the one I needed you to. Although I did spend a few hours quite angry with you, (“of all the ones I’ve sent, THAT’S the one you publish!?!?!?” came up a lot), I actually want to thank you for that. Because it forced me to take a deeper look; to realize that my secret was WRONG. That I was wrong. And i’m so grateful that that is my truth.
I don’t know that I will ever tell my husband or show him the book with my secret it in. I bought it, and the book is hidden in our apartment until I can decide what to do with it. Before I left the bookstore that day, I was in a shocked daze but I knew I had to do something. I happened to have stationary in my bag with me, so I took out a sharpie and began to write…
“Sometimes I feel like I know exactly who I am, who I want to be, where I’m going and what I want. Other times, I have no fucking idea. And you know what? That’s OK.”
I tucked it away in the book I was holding, put it back on the shelf for someone else to find, and grabbed another copy to take with me to the register. I can only hope that someone else will learn my lesson, a lesson you helped guide me through, and that they’ll come out on the other side.
Thank you for what you do.
Lots of love and light,
Sep. 17th, 2013
07:36 pm - september 2013
Living in Seattle is great. Except when Cody is out having fun. Not inviting me. And I have no one here to hang out with. What I would do for Tracey to be here right now.
Mar. 24th, 2013
10:04 pm - 2013
Hello very old friend... As always it has been awhile. I.m older but not much wiser. I've found my soul mate and I've found my home... Though ironically I'm almost homeless. I live my my boyfriends parents on our journey though the hard live of "saving money". Not an easy thing to do. No matter how small our bills are. We plan on moving to Seattle very soon. How soon?not sure but by the summer hopefully! I'm ready to leave Kentucky. I'm ready for a fresh start.i love my friends and family here in Kentucky... But I need to branch out and meet new ones. My life has bee very dull. Same job for 4 years... Same things to do... There just isn't much for me. Who knows, maybe ill hate Washington... Maybe I'll love it. You don't know until you try I guess!!!
Jan. 31st, 2011
:x: movie you went to- True Grit
:x: song you listened to- Some song on weeds
:x: cd you bought- been a few years
:x: cd you listened to- A mix I made for myself
:x: person you've called- Hyatt Hotel my new job!
:x: person that's called you- Jason Howell...
:x: tv show you've watched- Weeds Season 4
:x: person you were thinking of- Jason Howell
:x: you have a crush on someone- yes
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else- yes
:x: you think about suicide- no
:x: you believe in online dating- no
:x: others find you attractive- Yeah
:x: you want more piercings- yes
:x: you like cleaning- I have to
:x: you like roller coasters- YES!
:x: you write in cursive or print- which ever i feel like doing
FOR OR AGAINST...
:x: long distance relationships- I guess for because I always find myself in them...
:x: using someone- Against
:x: killing people- Against
:x: teenage smoking- Against
:x: driving drunk- Against
:x: gay/lesbian relationships- don't care
:x: ever cried over a girl- uhh no
:x: ever cried over a boy- yes
:x: ever lied to someone- Yes
:x: ever been in a fist fight- no? I answered yes to this but I cannot remember the fist fight. Huh see I am a liar. :D
:x: ever been arrested- No
:x: shampoo do you use- tresema
:x: shoes do you wear- Chucks
:x: are you scared of- Spiders
:x: of times I have been in love? 3
:x: of times I have had my heart broken?3
:x: of hearts I have broken? 1
:x: of boys/girls I've slept with? secret :)
:x: of boys/girls you've obsessed over who wouldn't date you? Not been obsessed over stupid people
:x: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? Never. Unless you count the highschool news paper
:x: of scars on my body? a few
:x: of things in my past that I regret? Too many to count
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty- somewhat
:x: funny- sometimes
:x: hot- no
:x: friendly- Yes
:x: amusing- no
:x: ugly- no
:x: loveable- sure
:x: caring- Yes
:x: sweet- Yes
:x: dorky- hell yes
5 letter word: megan
Cartoon: simpsons, and Family guy and south park
Cereal: fruity pebbles
Color(s): black, purple, hot pink
Color nail polish: Black
Least fave day: Don't have one
Jello flavor: strawberry
Jewelry: lip rings
Trampolines or swimming pools: Both
|| Person who last.. ||
Slept in your bed: Jason
Saw you cry: Jason
Made you cry: myself and Jason
Went to the movies with you: Jason and his friends
Yelled at you: Probably Jason
|| Have you ever.. ||
Said "I love you" and meant it?: Yes
Gone out in public in your pajamas: Yes
Kept a secret from everyone: Yes
Cried during a movie: yes
Planned your week based on the TV Guide: No
Been on stage: Yes
Been to New York: yes
Been to California: yes
South America: No
Australia: No, but i want to
Wished you were the opposite sex: no
What time is it now?: 2:23
Apples or bananas?: bananas
Blue or red?: blue
Walmart or target?: walmart
Spring or Fall?: Spring
What are you gonna do after you finish this?: Transfer entries from here to paper.
Last noise you heard?: the keybord doing the clicky noise
Last smell you sniffed?: Ranch Sunflower seeds and vanilla coke
|| Friendship/Love ||
Do you believe in love at first sight?: Lust
Do you want children one day & if so, how many?: yes, 2
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: Trust and understanding, and laughter
|| Other Info ||
Criminal record?: speeding tickets
Do you speak any other languages?: i would like to speak spanish
Last book you read: House of night 5 just bought the 6th one last night!
Worst feeling in the world: Death of a loved one and death of a relationship with someone you love.
Who you love: Jason, Friends, Family, my dog
Who you miss: my grandma and my uncle
|| You ||
How old do you look?: umm young people say 16
How old do you act?: ummm 16 :)
Braces: had them for 2 years :(
Do you have any pets?: Yes
You get embarrassed?: yes
What makes you happy?: My friends
What upsets you?: When I see people hurt
|| Finish the sentence: ||
I Love to... sleep and fuck... :)
I Miss.... being loved be a guy that I love.
I Wish... to get my head on straight and figure out my fucking life.
I Hope... I do figure everything out
I Want to Be... loved and happy
I Would Never... make the same mistakes again
I'd Rather... Die
I Am Tired of... shit
I Will Always be... me
Jul. 17th, 2009
So here is a serious note. Fuck guys. You think you can trust what they say and you want to even though you know you shouldn't. I was right but I still trusted him knowing I shouldn't. Once I saw his ways I dumped him like an old pop can i'll never use again. I'm done. I thought he was perfect for me but obviously he wasn't.
I'm very proud of myself for being strong though this. For being able to say goodbye and not listen to his argument. His lies. Although this happened on the 4th, he has never tried to contact me again. Which in a way stings... but it's better this way. I don't need to be sucked back into has vacuum of lies.
NIN- Hurt is an amazing song and they're genius for writing it... but Johnny Cash singing it is just perfect. I've been listening to it a lot. Music always guides me and how I live my life. It always has. I'm scared to get old. I'm scared to have everyone I know go away in the end. The few people in my life that mean anything to me. The few True friends. They are my life.
But then again... in a few years time... they'll be gone and i'll have completely new friends. Thats just how life goes. Thats why I never cared about high school. Our friendships were all just going to wither away and die. It is such a rarity to have a friend from childhood. I can't say I have a true friend. Just Kim Franklin but I'm not close to her at all anymore...
wow I'm rambling but i'll be the only one to read this and its nice to know where my head is at when I go back and read these. I love LJ because i'll always have these memories... I hope it stays around so I can come back and read this when i'm like 40 haha. That would be crazy!!!
Well i'm outta here. Gotta work a double tmrw at HOOTERS! haha
I hate being right. I always am... and it is never anything academically or anything that I can use positively. It's always something bad that I can see coming. Blah
Jun. 6th, 2009
I hate being me. I hate having feelings. I hate falling for someone who "Claims" he wants me but deep down I know he doesn't. He makes me promise him we'll be friends forever and that if one day we marry someone else, he claims he'll come with a tear in his eye. He acts like he wants to be with me but then he puts a strong foot down when it actually comes into conversation. He wants me to visit him when he leaves and when he holds me I feel so safe. He looks me deep into my eyes and I can see in them that he cares. The way he holds my face before he kisses me. The way he cuddles me as I cry. The happiness I feel while i'm with him and the saddness I feel when I'm not with him. The pain I feel when he doesn't call and the pain I feel knowing he is leaving soon. This messed up relationship is slowly killing me. I was FINALLY done with it all last night but he fucking sucked me right back in. I am seriously weak. Why can't I just say goodbye? Why does he have to beg me not to? Who gave him permission to treat me like shit and then ask me for forgivness the second he faults. If I were a stronger woman I'd say get the fuck away from me and have a nice life. I even tried that. Damn myself. It didn't work. I hate to say this... I hate to admit this... He has a spell on me and I can't break free. I hate him for it. He isn't even my type! Why do I care so much for him? I remember when I first saw him, he stuck out to me. I knew at that point I could see myself with him. That first memory always sticks out for me. But God! Walking into his apartment last night and just feeling his arms crush around me. Holding me and saying he was sorry.... The way he pulled the hair away from my damp face... Yes. I am weak. It isn't about the sex as I claimed to him. Sex isn't what is making me emotionally unstable with him. It is the fact that we can't be with each other. The fact that he is moving and the fact that I thought I found someone good enough. The hurt when he shows me he wasn't. The hope that he still is.. Yes. I suck. Simple as that. I'm a weak little girl. I fall way to easy. I need to stay away from boys. I'm single now but it doesn't count. I still have a man to make me go crazy. I need to get away from boys... but I know myself. Ugh I suck.. I'm done... blah
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